I'm sure many of you are wondering if I've vanished off of the face of the blogosphere! But no, I'm here. In fact, I have so many thoughts swirling around my head these days that I can hardly decide what to write about. And then, when I have the rare moment when I DO have the time to post, I have no idea what to select out of the rolling narrative in my brain.

OK. There are a few things going on that have prohibited me from posting. The first is my new job. I'd love to blog about it, but I know I've become quite findable on the interwebs and I feel like I'd have to self-edit a lot. But in summary, it's an interesting place with lots of good people, and it was an excellent change.

The second thing is a nagging feeling that I've outgrown this space. I still want to write here, and write very honest things, but I feel like I've made a sharp break from the woman who started this blog five years ago. Not in a bad way! But in a way that my life was once shaped by constant introspection and solo activity, whereas now I've kind of started thinking about my life in terms of a twosome. Yeah, that's a new development and a totally new and foreign and scary mindset for me. But also an exciting one, since I often wondered if it was even possible. Part of me feels guilty about it, because I've always been one to roll my eyes at friends who have fallen madly in love and have left our fun little social life and self-proclaimed singledom in the dust. I don't want to be that person who becomes someone new and unrecognizable to the people I've come to love and rely on. But anyway, I've definitely learned a lot about myself in the last year. It was one year ago on Memorial Day weekend that I first met W, and I had no idea that he'd be sitting on my couch right this second watching an old subtitled French movie while I typed away.

Another thing is this: I'm really kind of freaked out about turning 30. I know everyone says that 30 is the new 21 and blah, blah, blah, but I suddenly feel like I'm about to fall out of touch with everything cool. I've prided myself on being hip to the trends for most of my life, and lately I feel like I've been observing them from afar. Suddenly TimeOut magazine seems awfully ridiculous to me.

And then a funny thing happened at Abercrombie and Fitch a few weeks ago. While in Kentucky, I bought a cute pair of running shorts at good ol' A+F. A few of you may know that I once worked there in college. (Pick your jaw up off the floor right now and stop throwing stones.) Anyway, while I felt like I had outgrown the place as soon as I finished winter break of my senior year of college, I still liked stopping in to relive old memories and smell the cologne.

I digress. I returned home and when I pulled off one of the tags, it ripped a small hole in the shorts. GRRRRR. I felt that was pretty unacceptable and since the other tag was still on and I had the receipt, I decided to exchange them at the A+F at South Street Seaport.

I got to the store after work to find all of the windows covered in wooden blinds, which I found strangely annoying. Are they trying to hide something? Anyhow, the very second I stepped in I developed a migraine. The smell of cologne started to make me sneeze and the music was BLASTING. I located the shorts and brought a new pair downstairs with me to the register. The line was frightfully long and one slow-moving model-thin cashier leisurely removed censors from the purchases of two Eurotrash women. And I know they were European because no one in the USA goes shopping to buy five armloads of A+F merch. Plus, they were way too old to be appropriate clientele. My anger bloomed as I look around to see another employee look at the long line and the lone cashier and begin spraying cologne on the clothing rack nearest me. Later, two employees flirt and chat behind the line before asking the cashier if she is the only one ringing. Probably 15 minutes later, one of those flirty employees finally starts using a second register. I figured I had invested about 30 minutes waiting and should stick it out, until I looked down at the new shorts and noticed the thread on the waistband unraveling in my hands. I did not want to go back upstairs for another pair. So instead, I let out an exaggerated groan, threw the new shorts down angrily on the cologne table and stormed out. At home, I sewed up the hole myself.

And one more thing. I have a lot of grey hair suddenly. WTF.

***

So I went to Portland last week, finally, and it was lovely. I visited a grad school friend (Jeanette) and a friend I met in my support group last year (Rachel). It was especially good to see Rachel, since the anniversaries of our mothers' deaths are just weeks apart, and last year she invited me to garden at her parents' house upstate in memory of our moms. We decided to make our visit a yearly event. I bought a lot of shoes for myself and had some excellent food. I'd definitely visit again, but I'm an east coast girl deep down in my soul. There were just too many people out there wearing hemp for my taste.



Then I dog sat for Krissa and Stuart's dog Nano, a brown, hearing version of Mallow. Even though he was nervous to be here and peed every time I brought out his harness, I kinda fell in love with him and miss him dearly.



***

Also, I am getting ready to paint my apartment. I've lived here for more than four years now, and most walls are scuffed up and/or full of wall holes from rearranged art. One part of me is sad about repainting, because my parents and Mira and Jay all helped me paint the entire apartment after I bought it. Changing it feels like closing the door on something. But it's also strangely exciting. Bought the paint today. Stay tuned for photos.

Labels: deep thoughts, globetrotting, newme, nyc