So.

As of Friday at 5:07 pm, I'm 30 years old.

I had been kind of freaked out by this for the last several months. My obsession with staying "timely" and "trendy" was at an all-time high, as I feared becoming out of touch with the newest of the new.

But then I thought about it, and thought about my 20s, and realized, "Thank god that shit's in the past!" No more months on end of fruitless online dating, no more living on such a tight budget that I can't even afford the pad thai at Republic, no more living in a closet-sized space with no natural light... The list goes on and on.

Thirty wasn't all rosy, though. It kept me on my toes.

W was called out of state for a funeral, which took place on the day I had scheduled my big party. I fretted for a few days before deciding to reschedule and instead have a few close friends over to the apartment on Saturday evening.

It ended up being OK. Abbie flew in from Richmond and made sure I was entertained and properly filled up with beer. She, and my coworkers took me out for a 3pm Happy Hour (after a champagne/ice cream cake party in the office). We ate copious amounts of sushi. I shed obligatory tears over missing my mother on my 30th birthday. I had brunch. And I graciously accepted wonderful presents, including this amazing quilt that Abbie made for me:



Other amazing prezzies included a necklace from Marc's favorite store, a high-heel-shaped cake cutter, a "you'll never be alone" necklace from Berna and a spa retreat from Mira and Christina.

W is on his way home now, and on Friday we depart for a surprise 30th bday vacation. YAY.

Labels: newme, nyc, social

I'm sure many of you are wondering if I've vanished off of the face of the blogosphere! But no, I'm here. In fact, I have so many thoughts swirling around my head these days that I can hardly decide what to write about. And then, when I have the rare moment when I DO have the time to post, I have no idea what to select out of the rolling narrative in my brain.

OK. There are a few things going on that have prohibited me from posting. The first is my new job. I'd love to blog about it, but I know I've become quite findable on the interwebs and I feel like I'd have to self-edit a lot. But in summary, it's an interesting place with lots of good people, and it was an excellent change.

The second thing is a nagging feeling that I've outgrown this space. I still want to write here, and write very honest things, but I feel like I've made a sharp break from the woman who started this blog five years ago. Not in a bad way! But in a way that my life was once shaped by constant introspection and solo activity, whereas now I've kind of started thinking about my life in terms of a twosome. Yeah, that's a new development and a totally new and foreign and scary mindset for me. But also an exciting one, since I often wondered if it was even possible. Part of me feels guilty about it, because I've always been one to roll my eyes at friends who have fallen madly in love and have left our fun little social life and self-proclaimed singledom in the dust. I don't want to be that person who becomes someone new and unrecognizable to the people I've come to love and rely on. But anyway, I've definitely learned a lot about myself in the last year. It was one year ago on Memorial Day weekend that I first met W, and I had no idea that he'd be sitting on my couch right this second watching an old subtitled French movie while I typed away.

Another thing is this: I'm really kind of freaked out about turning 30. I know everyone says that 30 is the new 21 and blah, blah, blah, but I suddenly feel like I'm about to fall out of touch with everything cool. I've prided myself on being hip to the trends for most of my life, and lately I feel like I've been observing them from afar. Suddenly TimeOut magazine seems awfully ridiculous to me.

And then a funny thing happened at Abercrombie and Fitch a few weeks ago. While in Kentucky, I bought a cute pair of running shorts at good ol' A+F. A few of you may know that I once worked there in college. (Pick your jaw up off the floor right now and stop throwing stones.) Anyway, while I felt like I had outgrown the place as soon as I finished winter break of my senior year of college, I still liked stopping in to relive old memories and smell the cologne.

I digress. I returned home and when I pulled off one of the tags, it ripped a small hole in the shorts. GRRRRR. I felt that was pretty unacceptable and since the other tag was still on and I had the receipt, I decided to exchange them at the A+F at South Street Seaport.

I got to the store after work to find all of the windows covered in wooden blinds, which I found strangely annoying. Are they trying to hide something? Anyhow, the very second I stepped in I developed a migraine. The smell of cologne started to make me sneeze and the music was BLASTING. I located the shorts and brought a new pair downstairs with me to the register. The line was frightfully long and one slow-moving model-thin cashier leisurely removed censors from the purchases of two Eurotrash women. And I know they were European because no one in the USA goes shopping to buy five armloads of A+F merch. Plus, they were way too old to be appropriate clientele. My anger bloomed as I look around to see another employee look at the long line and the lone cashier and begin spraying cologne on the clothing rack nearest me. Later, two employees flirt and chat behind the line before asking the cashier if she is the only one ringing. Probably 15 minutes later, one of those flirty employees finally starts using a second register. I figured I had invested about 30 minutes waiting and should stick it out, until I looked down at the new shorts and noticed the thread on the waistband unraveling in my hands. I did not want to go back upstairs for another pair. So instead, I let out an exaggerated groan, threw the new shorts down angrily on the cologne table and stormed out. At home, I sewed up the hole myself.

And one more thing. I have a lot of grey hair suddenly. WTF.

***

So I went to Portland last week, finally, and it was lovely. I visited a grad school friend (Jeanette) and a friend I met in my support group last year (Rachel). It was especially good to see Rachel, since the anniversaries of our mothers' deaths are just weeks apart, and last year she invited me to garden at her parents' house upstate in memory of our moms. We decided to make our visit a yearly event. I bought a lot of shoes for myself and had some excellent food. I'd definitely visit again, but I'm an east coast girl deep down in my soul. There were just too many people out there wearing hemp for my taste.



Then I dog sat for Krissa and Stuart's dog Nano, a brown, hearing version of Mallow. Even though he was nervous to be here and peed every time I brought out his harness, I kinda fell in love with him and miss him dearly.



***

Also, I am getting ready to paint my apartment. I've lived here for more than four years now, and most walls are scuffed up and/or full of wall holes from rearranged art. One part of me is sad about repainting, because my parents and Mira and Jay all helped me paint the entire apartment after I bought it. Changing it feels like closing the door on something. But it's also strangely exciting. Bought the paint today. Stay tuned for photos.

Labels: deep thoughts, globetrotting, newme, nyc

Today is my last day at my current job. I have been working here 5.5 years, almost exactly. It seems perfectly natural to be leaving now, today. But I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the time when I started this job. I:

• was 24 years old
• had just moved into a 10 x 13 studio apartment in Hell's Kitchen, my first all-my-own apartment
• had just taken my first-ever trip to California
  
• only had Cleo for a little more than a year
• had long, curly hair
• weighed about 10 lbs less than I do now (grrr)
• was making less than 30k a year at the job I left
  

Since then, I:

• bought a gorgeous apartment
• moved back to Brooklyn
  
• inherited a Green Beetle
• grieved the passing of my mother
  
• bought grownup furniture
• got several short haircuts
• dated lots of men (boys?)
• have traveled to both Hawaii and Iceland twice
• started graduate school
• started a very successful neighborhood blog
  

Now I:

• am almost 30
  
• have a supercool boyfriend
• have an awesome network of friends in Brooklyn
• am a month away from receiving my MA degree in Sociology
• am about to start working for a non-profit

Did I ever think back then that I would be where I am today? Honestly, I don't ever think that far into the future. I have no idea what my future self will be like, but I think my past selves would have enjoyed this glimpse into 2008.

Labels: newme, nyc

If there's one thing I never, ever thought I'd do, it was work at a non-profit organization. As a 21-year-old graduating college, few things seemed less appealing than working for a "boring" organization in a non-glamorous office working with ordinary people who lived in the outer boroughs. I know it sounds disgustingly bitchy, but I held that opinion based on a lack of knowledge about the world at large, and about myself. Or rather, the self I was to become. Instead, I plunged into working at a major record label. The offices were oh-so-funky, and I occasionally met someone famous (like that time I ran into Bjork in the bathroom, or that time I ran into Michael Stipe coming out of the bathroom). Free CDs and concert tickets were nice bonuses (and helped make up for the slave wages we received), but I began to see things differently once the perks wore off. I was a woman, and I wasn't a schmoozer. Two strikes against me off the bat. I couldn't get ahead. I was merely a flea in the corporate machine.

I was saved from professional despair with a job at a small ad agency, where I have been working for the last 5.5 years. Yes, that's right! More than five years at the same company. I stayed because the yearly raises were reasonable, the people were great and the environment was mostly wonderful. I was able to do corporate work without the corporate red tape. Yet once I moved from writing travel advertorials to media planning, things became less savory. I started dealing with the same desperate people daily, and realized I didn't really like what we were trying to help sell. I wondered if I would have liked it more had I been marketing something I was interested in. But I realized, deep down, that it was about the idea of selling and the lack of writing that wasn't a fit.

I had been browsing job postings for awhile, but it didn't take long once I started sending out resumes. In fact, much like the job I'm about to leave, I felt like I had found The One when I came across the posting. I'll be working at an organization involved with placemaking, urban planning and community building. And, I'll even be using my MA degree.

No job is ever perfect, but boy am I looking forward to leaving the suit's bottom line.

Labels: newme, nyc

I'm getting that optimistic feeling back. The one I had in the summer and fall, where it felt like things were falling into place and my talents and skills were being recognized. That euphoria fell away during winter, but it seems to be back a little. I'm sure it's related to the very cool thing that happened yesterday (I will fill you in laaaaater). I had this crazy adrenaline rush about it all day, and I still have a little bit of a high.

Early tomorrow morning, W and I depart on a mystery trip, one that he planned himself and will be revealed to me in the morning. OMGsofun.

I'm going to (try) to take a break from all communications this weekend - email, texting, phone.

See you on Tuesday.

Labels: newme

I decided in December that I wanted to try running, mostly as a personal challenge. I've always been a shitty runner and have had pretty poor cardiovascular conditioning. How is this when I've been dancing for 23 years? Well, when you do a tap routine full-out, it's at most three minutes long. Then, you collapse off stage and rest.

While in Poland, my friend Ana inspired me to hit the pavement. She was training for a marathon and I needed some stress relief. Ana was definitely one of the more peaceful souls in Krakow, and so I went running a few times. And I kinda liked it.

I've been focusing on the treadmill mostly due to the cold spell. I'm pleased to announce that I ran for 28 minutes straight this morning. That might seem like a stupid, paltry achievement to many, but it's huge for me.

And I've also discovered that it really does make a difference running in proper running shoes you've been fitted for, as opposed to running in "decorative" Nikes that are a half size too small so they make your feet look smaller. Heh.

(And speaking of tap, I bought a new pair of tap shoes! Fun!)

Labels: newme

I've been sitting at the laptop for a few hours now, working towards assembling my 2007 tax info. I'm a decently organized person, but I REALLY need to be even better, if not to simply save me this time in early 2009 as I try to figure out what's what. And speaking of being prepared, this week I both let my birth control prescription run out accidentally AND prepped my passport renewal (which doesn't expire until JUNE). Hello, all over the place.

I had my new passport photo taken yesterday. It's crazy to think that it's been ten years since I applied for the last one (my first ever). I do remember looking at it when I received it and thinking that 2008 was eons away, but I don't think I ever gave much thought to the fact that I'd be 29, or wondered what I'd be doing in 2008. At least my new photo looks better (even though it's still not amazing).


Let's pause for a moment and think about how I am going to be 39 (!!!!!!!) the next time this baby expires. Good lord! What will I be doing at age 39? Will I be married? Divorced? A parent? Alive? (Hey, I have to wonder after losing my mom.) In NYC? What about Cleo and Mallow, who will be approximately 17 and 18 years old? What will I look like?

The point of the title is this: While sitting at the laptop, I have the TV on in the background. Amazingly, there was nothing I wanted to watch on E!, so I flipped on the nightly news. First, I picked up on a tres depressing news report about the IMPENDING recession and how we're all fucked (great! just in time for my graduation!), FOLLOWED UP BY a piece on how today is referred to as "Blue Monday" -- the most depressing day of the entire year, seeing the highest number of suicides. NBC's tips for staving off depression? "Smile at people you pass on the street." Maybe this helps, but it just sounded so pathetic after all the gloom and doom.

Labels: deep thoughts, globetrotting, newme

That's the sound of my student loan money finding its way into my bank account, finally. Well, hopefully in the next few days anyway. A phone call to BoA let me know that TODAY is the magic disbursement day. Really, just in time seeing that I have a credit card bill waiting to be paid (that includes things such as a $190 charge for a regular teeth cleaning since I don't have dental insurance).

Here's the weird thing. Last week, I received my first half-time paycheck. This means I am now making half of my salary. After I recovered from the shock, I had a good laugh. It's STILL more than I made at Elektra working full-time plus overtime. Heh.

Here in NYC most of us think we're poor. There's always something more we could be spending money on -- a bigger apartment, an expensive handbag, a big vacation, Showtime, a cleaning lady. It's hard to save money here, since with every raise the extra money goes towards towards another baby step in "making it" in the big city.

The paycheck made me remember living on my own while making less than this, and how I had to keep an anally accurate budget, and how many times I couldn't even afford to go to Republic for a $7 dinner. I guess I've come a long way since 2000, even though I have to temporarily go back there for a bit.

Labels: newme, nyc, school daze

I've not posted in a few days. Here's what's up. I am applying for a freelance thing that could prove to be amazingly awesome. However, it's not my position yet. For the time being, I am part of a "competition" for the job, which means that every waking second of my week has been spent towards writing and setting sample stuff up. If I get picked, I get a bonus for completing the prep work and then get paid a minimum monthly (maybe more). If I don't get picked, I get zip for the work I did thus far. Bummer. Thankfully, I'm almost finished with the trial thing.

As for working part time, yes, I'm working part time! This means I have Monday and Friday off so that I have more time (in theory) to do schoolwork and concentrate on it and do research. So far, I have spent this time doing things like errands and socializing, so I need to make this time a priority to not be crazed and instead, maybe sit in a coffee shop and read school stuff and not look at the computer or the iPhone. How am I doing this? Stafford Loan. I hated to have to take a new student loan when I've just paid off my undergraduate loans, but I really needed to do it. I wish I could just not work at all, but that would be too scary I think.

Tonight, we have a Poland reunion at school. I hear there will be "regional foods" there, which means pierogies. This is great because I'm starving and also because I am trying to save money and this means free dinner. I wish my Polish friends would be there (the ones actually FROM Poland), but it will still be good to see Ana, Akiko, Katie, Zach, etc.

I spoke with a cousin of mine today -- I think the only first cousin who has made an effort to keep in touch with me (out of the nine I have - they're all much older than I am). I was surprised at how nice it was to talk to her. I found myself asking lots of questions about my other cousins' kids -- the oldest of which are about 18 now. Two of my cousins' wives had daughters a few hours apart back when I was 12 years old. Somewhere, I have a really unflattering photo of me (sporting hairsprayed bangs and a decorative hairclip) holding them. Apparently they just turned 16. Sixteen! I wonder if they know anything about me, or even if I exist, or if they know anything about my mother, their aunt. Something about them, maybe moreso than my first cousins, makes me so curious. I am dying to know who they are.

Labels: bflo, newme, nyc, school daze

Silence again, I know. It was a busy weekend spent not laboring. I went to dinner at a new restaurant that opened up in a former porn shop, ogled at jellyfish at the aquarium, went on some rides at Coney Island, attended a pig roast (for real- a 100-lb pig on a spit) and watched a lot of tv. As for Labor Day itself, I braved the crowds at Fairway (ny refrigerator has been empty for weeks now) and worked on my memory paper (which is STILL not done, but is getting close to completion).

My first class of my third semester of grad school is Thursday. It'll be a whole different experience from last year when I came in clueless and not knowing anyone. Now I have several good friends and an exotic semester in Poland under my belt.

I'm worried that I'll be taking on too much in the coming weeks, before I'm able to excuse myself from my more mundane responsibilities.

I'm typing this up on the A train, which is experiencing "heavy delays." That's all I can decipher from the announcements. I have a headache and am starving.

***

So I got off the train at High Street and walked across the Brooklyn Bridge to work. It was a gorgeous morning to do so, and so much nicer than when I made the walk on those frigid days of the transit strike. There were so many tourists out taking photos of themselves walking across the bridge.

Labels: newme, nyc, social

I've been sitting on my public memory paper for a few weeks now. I've slowly slogged through some academic articles, underlining with my eyes half closed. It's actually not bad stuff, but I'm antsy to get this thing done and it seems to be making the work seem even more tedious and drawn out. I also feel like despite writing an outline, my grad school papers always seem to take on a life of their own. Like, let's see where this one goes!

This morning, I was fortunate enough to speak with the director of education for the WTC memorial & museum. We spoke for over an hour and when I hung up the phone I felt refreshed and redirected. I also learned about a few things that are right under my nose. Did you know there's a small storefront memorial space near Ground Zero that provides walking tours around the perimeter? The tours are run by volunteers -- there are about 200 of them -- whose lives were directly impacted. The guides include their own personal narrative on the tours to give visitors a more first-hand account of the event and its aftermath. Who knew?

I'm psyched to be staying in town this weekend. Fabulous end-of-summer plans tentatively include a visit to the Coney Island aquarium and a backyard pig roast.

I haven't thought about my mom much lately. I'm not sure if it's because I've been too busy, or if it's just not as big of an elephant in the room around the people I've been spending time with lately. Or perhaps I'm just moving towards a place where it doesn't define me as much as it has in the last year.

Labels: newme, nyc, school daze

I know being quoted in the NY Times was probably the biggest thing ever, but this week I am quoted in TimeOut NY, which to me feels even more exciting.

I've been an avid reader of TimeOut since spending an undergrad semester in London, and have been a subscriber to TONY since moving to NYC in 2000. I never thought this would happen!

My copy of TONY sometimes arrives late, so I haven't seen it in print yet.

Labels: newme, nyc, pop culture

This post is going to be horribly vague. Sorry in advance.

Yesterday, I found out a juicy piece of information that I would have loved to have had about a month ago. I was so shocked -- it couldn't have been less obvious. It makes me think that despite a tendency to be a glass-half-empty witch, I'm still a little dreamy-eyed when it comes to certain things. Impractically so, even. Naive? Definitely. But also let-down. Why are people so afraid to go after what they want? I shouldn't talk, I suppose, but I'd hope that this information would be shared more freely. Makes me wonder how much of it I've missed.

Labels: globetrotting, newme

My old friend Sam's been coming out of the woodwork lately, dedicating Andrew Lloyd Weber songs to my cat on Facebook and posting a bunch of photos taken in 2003 on Flickr.

This particular photo caught my attention in a big way. It was taken in December of 2003. I would have left Elektra Records a year prior to start what has become a five-year career at Moon City. I was living in a Hell's Kitchen studio with slanted floors and no sunlight. I can remember going to this party (to watch the tree lighting from the Elektra multimedia office), and what a pain it was to get there with all the crowds. I had to walk several blocks out of my way to get there with streets blocked off. I remember being really fucking cranky by the time I arrived. I also remember being sad and kind of nostalgic knowing it was probably the last time I'd be able to see the tree lighting in person (from a window facing Rock Center on the 17th floor, since I'll never stand in that crowd!). I felt like it was the end of an era -- Elektra was moving to 6th Ave and would later cease to exist.

It was around this time that I had started seriously looking for an apartment to buy. Such balls for a 25 year old! I was also anticipating a trip to Hawaii.

Look how young I look!!!!! Do I like that hairstyle? Should I revert back to it? I look like a high school student!

I wonder what the girl in the photo would think about what she'd be like four years later if she could have seen into the future. I think she'd be pretty overwhelmed, but pleased.

So much has happened since then. Who IS that girl? It's so disorienting to see old photos of yourself when you're not expecting to, to try to remember who you were back then. Similar, but not the same.

Labels: newme, nyc, social

I know I've been quiet lately, but there's a lot going on. Or, rather, a lot ABOUT to MAYBE go on. I'm considering making some life changes that even a year ago would have freaked me out. But lately I feel as though the stars are lining up for something new. Maybe even for taking a chance and being excited about it. I'm trying not to be overly new-agey about it, but I do feel like the time has come to work on some things I've been considering for a long time, as well as trying out some new things and indulging some new ideas. And the thought of giving them a go makes me feel kinda peaceful, instead of nauseous. More later (maybe much later), but just wanted to throw that out there. I've kind of been in a warm cocoon humming to myself about this stuff -- that's the best analogy I can come up with.



Anyhow, aside from that, I'm starting to work on my papers from the Poland classes. Man, it is hard to write an academic paper, especially after years of typing up little musings like this one here. To delve into some theoretical pond of feminist theory for 10 pages is difficult. Actually, once I get started I'm usually fine. But I'll often sit and stare at the computer screen for what seems to be eons before I can get a sentence down. Plus, there's always the temptation of Gchat! IM! Flickr! Blogs! CNN.com! I left the paper mid-sentence to write this post. Sometimes, I wonder if I have adult ADD. Not even joking, unfortunately.

I dyed my hair darker again. For awhile, I let it go au natural to it's reddish tint. But I've been feeling frumpy again, and after looking in the mirror a few days ago decided it was time to get back to looking a little more mysterious. I just think it looks better.

One last thing - I went back to yoga today after more than a month off (Poland, appointments, etc). I'm fairly sure that I will not be able to move tomorrow morning.

OK, one MORE last thing. The Hills has returned! YES!! I think that Whitney is my favorite, even though she never has much to say and always talks like her head is full of air. But I think she has really pretty hair, and her makeup looked sooooo good on the premiere.

Labels: newme, pretty things, school daze, tee vee

Sorry for being MIA. It was an exhausting week with Curbed and some other stuff.

So, if you've seen me lately, you probably have noticed that my boobs are becoming a little...obscene. They're in my way when I do yoga, they look pornographic in shirts, etc. Last week, I decided to go for an official bra fitting at one of those "Only-in-NY" places where an old woman looks at you topless and immediately tells you you've been wearing the wrong bra size and, without measuring, tells you your correct size.



That turned out to be a major understatement in my case. When I was told what my actual size was, I screeched out loud. Thankfully I was the last fitting before closing, or else I'm sure every other lady getting fitted would have peeked out of their dressing rooms with amusement.

Turns out I am a size that many women pay lots of money to have. It's also an oddball size that, of course, I probably cannot find at Target or GapBody. OK, I might be able to find one that fits at GapBody -- I just checked. But still.

Since turning 29, I've been feeling really strange, as though I've woken up to find that I've become a "real" adult.

Labels: newme

This week, I'm guest-blogging for Curbed.com, which is one of NYC's most popular blogs. It's insanely flattering, and insanely busy! There is a lot of coding, formatting, research and photoshopping for each individual post, and then sometimes editing, too. The guys who run it are THE digital media peeps in NYC, so it's flattering and intimidating all at once. I only had one of my posts published yesterday, but lots went up today and I'm on a roll. I was also mentioned, and quoted in the NY Times while I was in Poland. That's right -- the print version. Holy shit.

I feel like big things are happening, or the stars are aligning or something, but I'm not yet sure where it's all going. I'm really excited, but also very nervous. This is all unchartered territory.

Labels: newme, nyc

My week is deliciously free of plans for the most part, which always makes me feel refreshed. Don't get my wrong -- I love my full social calendar -- but it's so nice to just come home from work and not have any phone calls to make, not receive any calls and not have anything major to get done. I walked Mallow, and then sat down to finish watching "In the Bedroom," which I started late on Sunday night and was too tired to finish. After that was finished, I popped in the first disc of Felicity Season One.

I adored the shoe when it first came out. I think I was a senior in college, as I had just finished my NYC summer internship, so I was oh-so-relating to young Felicity and her immersion into the big city. When I saw the DVD in my mailbox, though, I groaned. It always takes forever to watch a DVD of TV shows. But as soon as I turned it on, I was mesmerized for four hours. Man, I still love that show! All that great angst at the beginning, where Ben tells Felicity he's into Julie. ("We're friends, right? You meant that? Because I'm kinda into Julie.") For some reason, it snapped me out of the funk I've been in for the last week or so. Not sure why. I think because I could relate to all of Felicity's angst, but in an "in the past" way, reminding me that I don't fall in love with men I don't even know anymore, that I've generally moved beyond sulkiness. Disc Two cannot come soon enough! Five Stars! (Though I must say, Julie was NOT cute enough for Ben, and Felicity's mom looked way too young to be her mom.)

I continue to get ready for the Big P, though I still haven't actually started packing yet. The daytime highs there seem to range anywhere between 60 and 90, so not quite sure what I want to bring. I did, however, do more research on using my phone in Poland. Thankfully I have T-Mobile, who have world-band phones. This means when I turn my phone on in Krakow, it should work just fine (albeit for mad-ass roaming charges). I did add a reasonable Blackberry Int'l Roaming package on for the three weeks I will be away, which will allow me to do unlimited emailing from my phone. I also realized that, once there, I can replace my SIM card with a Polish SIM card, which means no roaming fees and way better rates for calling Polish numbers, etc. However, in order to insert a foreign SIM card, you must "unlock" your phone. Until recently, cell companies would refuse to unlock the phone, as it is set up so that one can only use it with that one carrier. This means they make mondo money off of you when you're abroad. BUT, I think a law was passed saying that cell companies have to provide the unlocking code after a certain amount of time under contract. T-Mobile just emailed mine to me. Holla! This means I may, at times, be using a Polish phone number on my BB. I will update you all once I see how it actually works.

Just another reason to hate Verizon. OK, so their coverage in my apartment was better, but their phones DO NOT WORK ABROAD AT ALL. Get with the program, people. Same goes for Sprint. The nice lady at T-Mobile set me up with the unlock and the roaming, and told me how to forward my calls to VM as to not be charged with roaming when the VM picks up a ringing call.

I've read my Poland guidebooks (which contain helpful pronunciations of Polish phrases, but I probably won't be able to pronounce it anyway) and have moved on to my Berlin book.

Labels: gadgets, globetrotting, newme, tee vee

Now, it's official. This morning, I hit up the DMV once again and registered the Beetle in my name. Thank god I asked what I'd need to do when I went in for my eye thing, since it was a LOT: a notarized form from my dad, a gift form, registration form, insurance with my BK address (yeahhhhhh...it costs 3x as much to insure a car in Brooklyn than in Buffalo), a copy of my mom's death certificate, license and the old plates under her name.

The death certificate was particularly upsetting, as I had never seen it before. It seemed so...clinical: date of birth, marital status, time of death, place of death, cause of death (which was cardiopulmonary failure caused by neuroendocrine tumor), level of education completed. Why does the state need to know such things? For statistics? It didn't reflect anything about who she was when she was living. I don't want to ever look at it again, typed up in a standard format. That's the last job I'd ever want to have, filing official status for the ends of lives.

It's so difficult to think about my mother's death in clinical terms. I've become OK with thinking about it and accepting it in vague, spiritual terms (the lovely woman who raised me and made me who I am has passed on, but continues to live on in me, etc), but to think about her physical death is still very upsetting.

I now have new license plates- my very first, very own plates! Problem is, I DO NOT LIKE THE NUMBER I GOT! The numbers at the end are fine, but the plate begins with DXA. Something about that combination bothers me, but I'm not sure why. I don't like how it looks starting with a D. Who knew I didn't like the letter D? All the more reason for me to apply for the vanity plates. Maybe I'll adjust to, and embrace, DXA. The set of plates given out after me were just one number different, so it looks like a whole lot of people registering cars at window 16 at the Atlantic Center DMV are going to be stuck with it.

It's a weird feeling to own a car for real. I mean, I owned two previous cars, kinda, but they were both family-owned cars (and one that I had to pay my parents $2500 for). This is the first car ever with the title in my very own name. Now I just need to learn how to take care of it all on my own (uh, oil changes?).

Labels: mom, newme, nyc

Had a lovely afternoon today - brunched with Melita and we shared stories about losing our moms. That discussion wasn't necessarily "lovely," but it's amazing how many people you can connect with in unexpected ways after losing a parent. Our moms were both so different, as were our relationships with them, but there was still this incredible solidarity. She's a surgeon, so I was curious as to how that affected her relationship to the situation. Sounds like there were benefits and drawbacks. No situation is perfect.

Afterwards, I met up with Marc to go on a neighborhood art stroll. It's one of my most favorite city events, as you can check out local artists' studios and works. Early on we ran into our friend Martha from the dog park, and she came along with us for the rest of the afternoon.

I've been thinking a lot lately about creativity and careers. I know it's difficult to combine the two, but I wonder where I would have ended up if my creativity had been nurtured a little more in terms of being creative as a profession. For awhile when I was a kid, I became obsessed with houses and home designs. I would spend hours drawing up exterior home designs for fun. Never occurred to me that I could be an architect. I'm suffering from "lack of exposure to information that might have been beneficial fifteen years ago" right now.

Can you tell I am quickly approaching an, "I'm Almost 29 and I am Confused About My Life" crisis? When I started this site, I was 24. That's fucking weird.

Labels: mom, newme, nyc

I'm feeling a lot better since my last post. What happened was 100% ridiculous. I freaked out at first, but have been able to articulate my thoughts to said romeo, who seems dedicated to making things right. What that means is yet to be determined, but I think there's a chance that something can be salvaged, even if just in a platonic sense (which might be the best solution). Plus, many thanks to my grad school friend Suzanne for helping bring my sanity back over sushi and many cocktails and stories and cowriting.

My semester is almost finished, just as The Year has finished. There have been a lot of overlapping themes at work in both my life and within my organic novel class (which has truly taken on a life of its own). Those themes are: bravery, connections, working things out in unexpected situations, self-awareness and acceptance. If I've learned anything this year, it's that I really can count on myself (and maybe inspire a few others on the way).

Labels: newme, school daze

"Buckle down" was a favorite expression of my mother's when she wanted to annoy me. It meant really focusing on the task at hand and getting it finished properly.

I keep thinking about it now as my second semester of grad school draws to a close. I am grotesquely behind on my reading for my boring class. There is just not enough time in the day to get it done, though we are expected to write deep, insightful papers on the theories of the authors. I am thinking about ditching the rest of the assigned reading to focus on the text I want to use for my final paper, but the Catholic guilt makes me feel like I'm cheating. And I suppose I will be cheating myself, since I'll have to learn all this stuff before the MA exam anyway. Anyway, I need to start saying NO to social activities, wrapping myself in a hoodie and get my work done.

Annoying Class is just such a pile of shit sometimes. The professor has been absent several times (due to illness and international engagements), so now we're forced to have makeup classes. One of them is tomorrow night AFTER our regular class. That means I will be sitting in boring class from 6-10pm!! UGGGGG. I bought a new pair of lounge pants for the occasion.

My organic novel class continues to be awesome, but I'm worried about the ending. I've spent the entire semester having a lot of fun with my writing (once I got past being self-conscious about it) but now I'm worried about the conclusion. What if my ending is cheesy and contrived? It's fun to just see what happens, but stressful when you know there is a conclusion to be made. Kind of like my entire year. Weird.

Things are going awesomely on the neighborhood blog, so much so that I may try to focus solely on Urban Sociology until graduation.

Labels: newme, nyc, school daze

The universe has been dropping me little hints lately, first in the form of a professor and then last night at an Anne Lamott reading. Both spoke about the importance of honesty in writing, and the bravery required to write the truth.

Ten years ago, I saw a psychic. She told me that I should always write my thoughts down, because someday they would help people. Maybe it meant nothing, or maybe it meant something. Maybe it meant writing frankly about losing my mother to cancer.

I know a lot of what I write about in regards to what I'm going through makes people very uncomfortable - specifically people who have not experienced this yet. I haven't yet reread a lot of what I've written on the topic. But I know that no matter how horrible or angry it sounds, I don't regret posting it. It's been an honest depiction of my year, and I think people reading who have gone through this can see that. It has not been easy to be so raw in a public space, but Lamott spoke last night of how important it is to capture things as they happen. Had I tried to recollect my year down the road, I'd likely write something completely different. And maybe I'll write that, too. But looking back, I am proud of the fact that I captured my sorrow, anger and angst in such an honest manner as it was all unfolding. There is no wrong way to grieve.

I am not the same person I was 18 months ago, and it would be naive to think I would or should be. But I think as I emerge from all of this little by little, I see a lot of positive things.

I went to last night's reading with my blog friend Amina's Mama, who was in town for business. I was a little nervous, as I always am meeting virtual friends in person, but we had a great time. It was her idea to attend the Lamott reading, and it turned out to be just the things I needed to hear. Later, we bonded over stiff drinks and appetizers at the Coffee Shop (which is where I had dinner on the eve of my 21st birthday), two women who are both learning to be proud of their black sheep status, and have each gone through something really huge because, well, we didn't have a choice.

Sometimes, true life is messy and uncomfortable. Lots of times, actually.

Labels: mom, newme, nyc, social

Never you mind why I am posting on a Saturday night at 9pm, though it should be known that the reason can be filed under "cranky." I just had a beer and some pirogies, and now I'm working on adding tags to all of my old posts. Well, all of them that should have a tag.

This is an enormous undertaking, because I started this site in 2003, and because I have nearly 1,000 posts on it. It's really strange to re-read them all, since I pretty much have to do so in order to categorize them. Tagging recent posts was proving to be tedious, so I started with the oldest and am now working forward. I cannot believe I started the site when I was still living in Hell's Kitchen and had dialup internet!!! And, I was 24 years old. Lots has happened between 24 and 28. I keep thinking, man, I've done a lot, seen a lot and been through a lot since then. What would have me at 24 thought of me at 28?

I've been thinking a lot about extremes, and how I can be a person of them. All or nothing. Stay or go. In it or out of it. Often, this can be a good thing. It keeps me moving forward, since I hate being stagnant. Now and then, a decision I really want to make requires neither extreme. It's a decision, so it is, in a way, moving forward. Right? This is a real challenge for me.

Labels: newme, nyc

Last night, I had an informal business-y meeting with an African American man who co-owns a local salon with his girlfriend (you know, stuff for my other blog). Halfway through dinner, he paused, and said, "Hey, are you 100% white?" Me: "Um...yes?" (Thinking, "Have you ever seen anyone whiter, physically? Unless you mean am I mixed with a polar bear or a ghost?") Him: "Really? I always thought you were mixed race, like part black or something. Not that white people aren't cool or whatever, but you've got a cool vibe about you or something."

Honestly, this is one of the coolest things anyone has ever said to me, and it meant a lot. Aside from not-so-secretly wishing I was a funky black woman (you know, the kind who opens a cool vintage shop in Bed-Stuy and rocks the afro) along with both Leanne and Jen, the compliment (I saw it as such) kind of gave me a validation of sorts; a validation of living in NYC, of calling myself a "NYer," of proudly making my home in a very ethnically-mixed neighborhood that's historically black.

Almost all of my neighbors have been welcoming to me -- it's been how I always thought NYC should be but never was. Kind of like Sesame Street! (Well, Sesame Street with pockets of drug dealing.) I guess part of me has always felt a tiny bit insecure, as though my neighbors might be looking down on me, just a little bit, labeling me "gentrifier."

Joey, who is Puerto Rican, confirmed that I do indeed have this vibe. I'm not sure how I came to attain it, seeing as there were about three black students in my high school of 1,600. Must've been my mom and her acceptance of and interest in other cultures.

Anyway, this is real affirmation that I am a real part of my neighborhood.

Labels: newme, nyc

At long last, LH has been upgraded to Blogger in Beta. I think all this means is that I can add categories to my posts. I don't have anything to label this one, though.

I have decided that December is kicking my ass, bigtime. I am exhausted. I mean, it's mostly for good stuff: social engagements.

Tonight:
Party at Sam's in Queens
Party at Marc and Tavia's next door

Tomorrow:
Had to postpone shopping with Berna to retain sanity and inner peace because of
Party with Sesame Letterpress
Party at Craige's

Sunday:
Brunch with Mira
"Into the Woods" in Brooklyn Heights to see Renia perform

But, there are other things. Like the fact that the professor for my crap class wants to schedule in an extra class to "say goodbye." I just know this is going to impede on my tap class plans.

Also, I am starting to stress out a little about my holiday party, as I think 40+ people might show up! Shit. Will I have enough food? I can always order up a pizza from Not Ray's if need be. If you are reading this and are coming to my party, will you please bring some alcohol?

Labels: newme, social

I just read this news story on CNN.com and had one of those gut urges to call my mom and tell her about it. She hated this war, and was terrified of it. I want us to be able to complain about beady-eyed Bush together like we used to. And then I get that tiny pit in my stomach reminding me that I cannot call her or speak to her again.

Ever since I looked over the recipes she wrote out for me, and the inscription she wrote on the inside of a recipe book she made for me of all of my favorite dishes she used to make ("To my Darling Daughter, who can do whatever she puts her mind to!"), I've been feeling sad. It's strange how many days without her now seem so normal, and then how I lose my breath now and then realizing that she's not here. This morning on the train, while reading an article on postmodern historical thought, my eyes teared up.

Strangely, though, I feel chipper today -- energetic, healthy, optimistic. Maybe it is a result of being open to letting her spirit in, making me both sad and happy simultaneously.

I had a revelation this morning. I was pondering yet again why men in NYC always seem to be looking for something better; holding back. But then it hit me- I do the same thing, all the time! I always have one eye open for someone taller, smarter, cuter, more fit, more artistic. Perhaps my lack of a serious relationship is due to how I am, and not how the men I meet are. Or at least a combination of the two. Not that it's a great state of mind, and it seems fairly unrealistic to be putting off committing for Mister Right to appear, but in some little way it makes me feel better acknowledging it; owning it. Plus, I think I've been so content lately because I am honestly happy being uncoupled! Now that the wedding season is finished, taking the spotlight off of the fact that I never have a date, I feel back in my own skin not having to adhere to the mating rules of society. I've always been a bit unconventional, and I suddenly feel confident wearing it. I can't try to fit myself into a role I'm uncomfortable in. I need to keep making my own way.

Labels: mom, newme

So, I did it. I told my Dad I'm not coming to Buffalo for Christmas.

It's a first for me. Growing up, Christmas was always HUGE in my family. I can't recall when it stopped being fun. The last few years, it's become more stressful and less enjoyable. Because I'm an adult now, and also because I've realized how much of a square peg I am in my family. And because my attendance became a burden and an expectation, and not a choice. The only excuse would have been a boyfriend, at least for my mother. My family, I think, could never understand that being in Buffalo, while it's the place I grew up, was now "visiting," instead of "coming home."

And then this year happened. I lost my godfather, and my mother. And being in Buffalo felt even less comfortable. The memories of these last several months are too heavy.

I realized that this was my opportunity to bow out of a Merry Buffalo Christmas. I've had it -- had it with constantly being nitpicked by the Evil Aunts ("When are you moving back HOME? Will I live to see you get married? Your eyebrows look terrible. I don't like your haircut. What mass did you go to? Church-church-church-church... racist remarks..."); had it with select first cousins who wouldn't even say hello to me when I entered their home; had it with being stuck between soccer-mom speak and more Catholic banter; had it with watching one cousin's stepson and son wrestle hyperactively, throw fits and talk about wrestling and Elvis (yeah, weird, right?).

I'm worn out and worn down. And now I need to "take care of myself." And I've decided that means making my own decisions regarding the holidays, based on what I want, and what's most comfortable for ME.

I was nervous to bring it up -- as you know, I don't really "know" my Dad, and had no idea how he'd react. Of course, I invited him to come here -- that would be fine with me. But it's his choice. And, you know what? He was so totally cool with it. Plus, I think I'm going to go there for Thanksgiving. It makes sense, since my parents and I did Thanksgiving in NYC for the last five out of six years. I think having my Dad come here alone for Thanksgiving would be really difficult.

I'm still not looking forward to the holidays, but at least I am finally free to do them on my own terms. And I am proud of myself for making the decision. I feel like a bird let out of her cage.

Labels: mom, newme

Class last night was not so bad. It's one of my required classes and is heavy on history. I hate history, aside from NYC history. To counterbalance this, I bought myself a bright Hello Kitty notebook for the class. The professor seems decent (ie. not an asshole), and there were plenty of cute boys in class.

I finally met a few classmates. It's crazy to me how international the program is! We have students from Mexico, Poland, Kosovo, Japan, Russia...

I did hang with one cute-ish dude after class (we had a department reception). Problem is, he, like many others, lives IN A DORM. A DORM! It's a whole different situation with these people, many of whom are younger and have just moved to New York. I am living a different life.

It's unsettling, kind of. I feel as though on Tuesday and Thursday nights, I will be living in a parallel universe where people are untethered and living out of suitcases, and figuring their way around the subway and flailing around to make new friends and new connections. I guess I admire them, in a way. The thought of picking up and moving and starting over makes me uncomfortable.

Graduate school is interesting. It's nice to be there because I chose to be, and to look forward to learning. Undergrad, sure, I chose to be there. But really, it was just an extension of my childhood education in a way. Ten years ago, I was still paralyzed with self-consciousness to raise my hand in a college class, even a small one! But on Tuesday, I participated several times.

It's going to be an interesting adventure, for sure.

Also, the douchebag is in my Thursday class, but it's large. We also have two TAs, which I am kind of pissed about. I am even more pissed that neither of them are very technological, and don't even know what e-reserve is, and instead, expected us to come to the Sociology office weekly to make our own photocopies of the weekly readings. Also, they suggested meeting in small groups outside of class, like a recitation!! At a separate meeting time! Are you kidding me? Really. Fuck off.

Labels: cranky, newme, nyc, school daze

Last night, I attended the First Annual Brooklyn Blogfest.

I was both looking very forward to it, as well as feeling apprehension. There are several blogs I read daily (which, btw, contribute greatly to my steady decline in productivity at the workplace). I feel as though I've come to know many of them, despite never meeting them. In a way, they are like celebrities to me. I thought, "What if they're assholes? Or dorks? Or are mean to me? What if I go up to say hi and babble like a douchebag?"

Anyway, Marina and I arrived late, so we missed Brownstoner's discussion. We were excited to see him in person, since he's so all about being on the DL, and both agreed we feel we've seen him before somewhere. He is not at all what I expected -- strange.

Another favorite - Grace from designsponge. Marina are both avid readers, and now have a girlcrush on her. She is the cutest little stylish thing! I forgot to say hi to her during the social segment of the evening- oh well.

Callalillie and husband arrived late, and she didn't speak. I did say hi to her afterwards, which was cool. It was very weird to see the two of them in the flesh, after seeing them on their sites all the time.

I had a nice little chat with TravisRuse, one of my fav photobloggers. His mission is to take a photo every day of his commute to or from work, to show the world what it's like to ride the subway in NYC. I also fell in love with joesnyc, a gorgeous photoblog.

Overall, it was a small but friendly group. We all got nametags, and many people asked me about my blog. "What's it abut?" they asked. "Um..well...my life? In Brooklyn? Either sad or sarcastic depending on the day?"

Usually, I read blogs just for enjoyment, but one presenter brought up an interesting point -- many neighborhood-centric blogs have become a real social forum to voice concerns, share news, etc. Props to all those bloggers, inc Gowanus Lounge, Dope on the Slope, Dailyheights, etc.

For a long while now, I have wanted to start a Clinton Hill-specific website. After seeing all the news these people report on, I don't know how I could pull it off successfully. Votes of confidence welcome.

Labels: famous people, newme, nyc, pop culture, social

Lilac tattoo is finished!

Yes, it hurt. More than the peony. Here's why:

1. The design was much more intricate - tons of little tiny lines for all the petals.

2. Last week, I psyched myself up so much being nervous that I expected it to be the worst pain in my life. When it wasn't, I thought, "Oh, this isn't so bad." Tonight, I strolled in as though it would be nothing and got too cocky. Bad state of mine for getting a tatt.

To distract myself, I tried meditating on various things. It worked, but only for a few minutes on each meditation.

Before I forget, while I was at JFK waiting for my flight to the 'Flo on Thursday, I picked up a copy of NY Magazine. Featured were the best doctors in the NYC area. Lo and behold, who was listed but the asshole doctor my mom saw at Sloan-Kettering! You know, the one who we waited 2+ hours to see, who spent all of four minutes with us and left my mom speechless and dejected. I was so filled with hatred that I immediately sent a letter to the editor on my BlackBerry. Today they called me to fact-check. Yes!!!

Labels: mom, newme, nyc

When I showed my dad the new tattoo, he said:

"Oh, it looks nice. It looks like a cabbage."

Labels: bflo, newme

So...
A few years ago, after my mom recovered the first time, she decided she wanted to get a tattoo. As was her way, she was too scared to ever go through with it. Before she passed, I told her I wanted to get a tattoo for her. We were always joking about getting mother-daughter tattoos, but I never counted on it coming to pass.

When I brought it up with her, one last time, on April 21, she was at first confused. "What? Tattoo??" she whispered angrily. By that time, she was getting confused. I reminded her, and asked her what she'd like me to get. "A rose. I always wanted a rose." I paused, not wanting a rose, but not willing to resist. She thought about it a minute more, and continued on:

"No, a rose is too common. A lilac. My favorite."

Phew!

"Where should I get it?" I asked.

"I always wanted one on my ankle. Shoulder, maybe. Shoulder would be nice."

I decided I'd get the mother-daughter tattoo after all - one tattoo for each of us; our favorite flowers.

I wanted to get the lilac done first, just in case I chickened out after one was done. But the lilac had to be altered a bit. So peony it was.

I was so, so nervous, but it wasn't so bad. It felt a lot like Cleo scratching me (for 90 minutes). It's bigger than I originally imagined, but I absolutely love how it came out. I am forgoing color for now - I like the elegance of the black outline.

Labels: mom, newme

I woke up today feeling...happy. I still feel out of sorts, in that I have been away from my "routine" for awhile, and feel like I just moved to a new city and have not established anything. I'm sure it won't always be a good feeling. In fact, it's been a sad/anxious feeling for weeks. Today, though, I am sensing the possibility of the future -- graduate school, a car in Bkln, getting a tattoo (more on that in another post sometime). Today, the possibilities seem endless. My mother's declining health held us all hostage in many ways for months and even years.

In recent weeks, I have been nothing but astounded at friends who have reached out and been supportive. I thought I'd be alone in the world when my mom left, but I see now that I'm not. My friends are not my mother, but they are proud of me, too.

Tomorrow, I am taking a flower arranging class. I signed up for it months ago. Many of you are aware of my not-so-secret dream of opening a flower shop, so I figured I should take a class and see how I do. I picked the class because it involved peonies, my favorite flower. When I checked to confirm the date yesterday, I noticed the class also involves lilacs -- my mom's favorite flower. Cool.

Labels: mom, newme

El Fin. Last night, I broke up with Stew. The reasons were wide and varied, and I am not going to spell it out here, in public. In summary, I could not do this, now. I can't say how things might have been different if we had met at a different time. We started dating a week or so before my mom found out her chemo was not working. Looking back on things now, I can see that she started "dying" at two different junctures - then, and when her kidney shut down. It's really surreal to meet someone romantically while being in the midst of all of that. As much as we had in common, I could not put forth any more effort to try to get us on the same wavelength.

I thought it would be easier to do. But as I was packing up his things to bring back to him, I was filled with sadness. While I'm no relationship guru, I really felt that for the first time, I had the chance and made the effort to really let a man into my life, and make him a part of it. I don't know how I will be OK with losing two people from my life in close succession, but neither option would have been good for me right now.

Last night, I fell asleep quickly and slept through the night for the first time since returning from California.

Labels: cranky, mom, newme